


The Laughingstock of New York City

by rellkelltn87



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Accidental Marriage, Pre-Relationship, Screenplay/Script Format, Zoom Meetings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23975527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rellkelltn87/pseuds/rellkelltn87
Summary: Barba's been stuck in Wisconsin for more than a month. Benson's at home with Noah. They're both exhausted, and Barba makes an error in judgment that leads to --
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54





	The Laughingstock of New York City

(A Zoom call. RAFAEL BARBA is so far the only attendee, the only person in view. He squints at the screen, confused, and looks around, fiddling with his mouse as if he’s not sure whether he’s in the right place.

After a pleasant chime, OLIVIA BENSON appears in a box next to BARBA’s. She’s in her kitchen, with daylight streaming in. A bowl of tomatoes is visible on the counter.

When he sees her, BARBA’s smile lights up his whole face.)

BARBA: Hey there, stranger!

(BENSON responds with a smile that lights up her entire face too.)

BENSON: Are we in the right place?

BARBA: This is the link they e-mailed me.

BENSON: Same here. They wouldn’t have/

BARBA: We wouldn’t be in the same room if/

BENSON: If we didn’t have the right link, yes. How are you?

BARBA: Well, 

BENSON: “How are you,” what am I saying, “how are you,” when you’ve been stuck in Wisconsin for more than a month.

BARBA: I’m fine. How are you holding up?

BENSON: I miss being in the squadroom, but, you know, given the situation with Noah, the chief would rather me push papers from home. I’d rather push papers from home right now, for health’s sake, but Rollins doesn’t have that luxury, and Fin can’t see his grandson, and I’m waking up at 2:30AM to get grocery delivery slots, and then again at 4 because, what am I talking about? People are suffering, there’s no need for me to elaborate on my personal inconveniences.

BARBA: If I could reach through the screen and hold your hand and tell you that you can always elaborate to me, as much as you need to, I would.

(Pause. BARBA swallows hard.)

BARBA (cont’d): Probably inappropriate for a professional Zoom workshop, these declarations of friendship. 

(They laugh, maybe a little uncomfortably.)

BENSON: Who’s the admin on this thing?

BARBA: Hm?

BENSON: We’re both in the room for the workshop, but neither of us is an admin. How is that possible?

(BARBA squints at the screen. Forgetting himself, he smacks his forehead into the laptop. BENSON suppresses a laugh.)

BARBA: Looks like the workshop organizers made us both admins too.

BENSON: Why would they do that? 

BARBA: I don’t know.

BENSON: You’re sure you signed us up for the right workshop?

BARBA: “Communicating with Local Media for Law Enforcement and Prosecutorial Leaders.” Wait — wait — open the little chat box in the lower right hand corner.

BENSON: The little dash thing?

BARBA: No, the waffle. My boss calls it a waffle. 

BENSON: With the squares.

BARBA: Yes.

(BENSON opens the chat box. On the screen she sees three names: PAUL KRANMER, JEANNIE STROUD, and NYCity3 PRODUCER. NYCity3 PRODUCER types:)

PRODUCER (typing in chat): _We can see that you’re in here but we can’t see or hear you._

BENSON: Here we go, here we go.

BARBA: They can’t see any of the participants. 

BENSON: Some big local names in the room. I hope they can get the software working.

PRODUCER (typing in chat): _Go back out and come back in. Make sure you click “use computer audio and video” this time._

(BARBA and BENSON do as PRODUCER instructs.

When they come back in —)

BENSON: Can you see us now?

PRODUCER (typing in chat): _Now we can see and hear you but you apparently can’t see or hear us?_

BARBA: No, we can’t. Are all the participants having this problem?

PRODUCER (typing in chat): _Looks like the guests aren’t appearing at all. Are you still ok to go ahead? We can see and hear you, and can record, so we’re good to go on our end for sure._

BENSON: Yes, absolutely. You can hear us?

PRODUCER (typing in chat): _Yes we can._

BARBA: Might as well get our 35 dollars worth?

BENSON: This cost only $35?

BARBA: A great deal. 

BENSON: Absolutely, given all the talent in the room. Look, Paul Kranmer just sent us something to read.

(BARBA and BENSON read aloud together, half to themselves but still out loud, while static cuts in and out. Both get more and more confused as they read.)

BARBA: I, Rafael Barba, take you, Olivia Benson, to be my wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.

BENSON (unison): I, Olivia Benson, take you, Rafael Barba, to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and cherish, until we are parted by death. This is my solemn vow.

(The screen blinks out for a moment. When the display returns, PAUL KRANMER and JEANNIE STROUD appear in their respective Zoom boxes.)

PAUL: By the temporary power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you married!

(PAUL and JEANNIE throw confetti, while —)

BENSON: WHAT?

(BARBA’s eyes bug most of the way out of his head.)

PAUL: We seem to have/

BENSON (overlapping): WHAT?

(BARBA is still stunned, in wide-eyed silence. He’s not moving, not even blinking.)

PAUL: We seem to have a misunderstanding.

(NYCity3 PRODUCER appears on screen.)

PRODUCER: What’s going on?

BENSON: Did we just get _married_?

PRODUCER: We, uh, received your application for NYCity3’s “Long Distance Weddings” series three weeks ago.

(A few seconds of silence, then —)

BARBA: Shit.

PRODUCER: Wait/

BARBA: I must have filled out the wrong application.

BENSON: How/

BARBA: I thought I was signing up for the “Communicating with Local Media for Law Enforcement and Prosecutorial Leaders” Workshop.

BENSON: Rafa.

PAUL: That filled up over a month ago. 

BENSON: Rafa.

PRODUCER: That’s right, a few NYPD folks complained that they were getting redirected to the “Long Distance Weddings” page.

BENSON: _Rafa_.

BARBA: Shit.

BENSON: Are we/

BARBA: No, of course not, we’d have to have a marriage license signed by both parties to be legally married.

PAUL: Five minutes ago I put my electronic signature on your valid New York State marriage license.

PRODUCER: The point of this series is that the governor announced that in addition to electronic filing of marriage licenses and Internet officiants, the state would temporarily allow couples not in the same location to get married if/

JEANNIE: If they both filled out the marriage license.

BARBA: Shit.

BENSON: _Rafa._

JEANNIE: How did you both fill out a marriage license without realizing it was a marriage license?

(NOAH appears behind BENSON, standing on his tiptoes, straining upward to see the screen.)

BARBA: I’m exhausted and stranded hundreds of miles away from home, my office, my friends, and I thought it was the … hi, Noah.

BENSON (to NOAH): Go finish your homework.

NOAH: It’s schoolwork, not homework, and I need the new password for the/

PRODUCER: The workshop was $200 a person. 

BARBA: I thought I was getting a bargain.

BENSON: _Rafa._

NOAH: What’s going on? Why’s Uncle Rafa in trouble?

BENSON: He’s not in/

BARBA: Uncle Rafa’s in big trouble.

PAUL: It seems that he is.

BENSON: Noah, I’m on a call.

NOAH: For work? But Uncle Rafa’s there.

BENSON: Not now, Noah.

JEANNIE: Captain Benson, you didn’t notice that what Mr. Barba sent you to sign was clearly a marriage license?

NOAH: You and Uncle Rafa got _married_?

BENSON: I was so tired. I signed it without reading it. 

PAUL: I’ll sign whatever I need to sign for the annulment, but for now/

BENSON: We’re legally married.

NOAH: I didn’t even get to be ring bearer! That’s not fair!

(NOAH storms off out of frame.)

JEANNIE (groaning): What a farce.

PRODUCER: Let us know what happens.

BENSON: We’re not a couple. We’re best friends.

BARBA: Recently reconciled best friends.

BENSON: Don’t tell them our life story.

BARBA: Sorry. Just/

BENSON: Shaken up.

BARBA: Yes.

PRODUCER: And also let us know if we might be able to use this footage on NYCity3. 

BARBA and BENSON: No!

PRODUCER: Take a day or two to think about it.

BENSON: Absolutely not.

BARBA: No, no, no.

PRODUCER: Take a day or two. Stay in touch, and we’ll make sure Paul signs off on the annulment.

BENSON (to BARBA): FaceTime?

BARBA: FaceTime.

(BARBA and BENSON end the NYCity3 Zoom call with awkward goodbyes, then each sign into FaceTime for a private conversation.)

BENSON: Hi.

BARBA: Look, Liv, if you never want to speak to me again/

BENSON: I signed the license without reading it. I’m at fault too.

BARBA: We’re going to be the laughingstock of New York City.

BENSON: We should let the producer air it, then.

BARBA: Why? We’ll be humiliated.

BENSON: New York City needs a laugh. 

(BARBA nods in agreement.)

BARBA: Desperately.

BENSON: We’ll get an annulment when you make it back.

BARBA: Of course.

BENSON: I have to explain this to Noah now.

BARBA: Tell him his Uncle Rafa is a dumbass.

BENSON: Never. (Beat.) Sometimes. But this time, you’re excused.

BARBA (gentle): I love you.

BENSON: You’d better, I’m your wife.

BARBA: You know what I mean.

BENSON: I do.

BARBA: Interesting choice of words.

BENSON: Shut up. I love you. I have to/

BARBA: Talk to Noah. I know.

BENSON: When you get back/

BARBA: Soon, I hope.

BENSON: When you get back, and this is over enough for you to come visit/

BARBA: I miss you.

(BENSON smiles.) 

BARBA (cont’d): I missed a lot of chances with you.

BENSON: Well, now that we’re _married_

BARBA: I’m sorry.

BENSON: How about when this is over enough for you to come visit, when the city’s done laughing at us/

BARBA: They need it, you said.

BENSON: They do. We do.

BARBA: I miss you.

BENSON: How about when this is over enough for you to come visit, we make up for lost time?

BARBA (a little overwhelmed): I’d like that.

BENSON: Okay, we’ll/

BARBA: We’ll talk to the producer and face down the embarrassment for the sake of making our city laugh.

BENSON: We will. I love you.

BARBA: Always.

(BARBA blows BENSON a kiss. BENSON touches her hand to her lips. The screen goes dark.)

—

(Morning, two days later. Noah is at the kitchen counter eating cereal while Benson unloads the dishwasher. BENSON hears her phone’s ringtone and grabs it off the counter; she picks up the phone, squints at the screen, and finally answers the FaceTime call.

On the screen, LUCIA BARBA appears.)

BENSON: Lucia, hi, we were going to call you. I assume the segment already/

BLACKOUT. END OF FIC.


End file.
